I'll Twist Your Mind to Death

"If I say I love you, right now, will you hold it against me?"
-Peyton to Lucas


I just don't know what to do with myself. How many ungodly 2 a.m. must I stay awake to ransom back my brain? Read: I'm terrible and lately, I am not myself. I woke up this morning and I noticed these dark circles around my eyes. I told the person in the mirror, "Holy bitch, you've got puppy eyes!" Damn it, where's the cucumber,or the concealer? Adik.

What (in the name of vanity) is ugly wrong with me? I applied these stuff around my eyes and yet I still look like a heroin chic. Kate Moss is that you? Whatever. I give up. Maybe I should sport a Goth look tomorrow. Hey, that would do the trick.


Is there a remedy for intellectual constipation, insomia, and infatuation? Tell me quick, for I don't want to look pale and sleepless like The Cure.

Yeah, this is the right spot to lay my bones.
I feel so dead being buried in this bed.
But my mind won't Rest In Pieces.
I better grab this pillow like tombstone in my head.
This is total darkness and yet he's still there.


"I love you Luke, but I've chosen darkness."
- Peyton to Lucas


I give up. I turn the radio on and listen to this song that somehow rock me to sleep.


Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing
Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive.


I guess I should practice some other ways to stay sober. Am I the only one who notice, or am I just hallucinating? Are you just looking because I'm looking, or do you want to look at me anyway? Dude, you're dizzying up the girl.


You're deep like water, I could drown in you. You could lock me in your eyes, you could lose me in the crowd, you could act like you don't care, I'm just gonna play it cool anyway.

I won't waste your time on sweet nothings. It isn't me, because you will hear it straight from me. I won't drop your name, I'll rather twist your mind to death. You will never know it was you, unless you make a move.


Maybe I'll get rid of you. Maybe I'll let you live in me. If this thing is not meant to be, then so be it. It's all right, I'm used to not getting what I want.


"I want all of the same things that you want, I do, and I want them with you."
- Peyton to Lucas

I hope that my brain would be back soon, because I'm already tired of my heart doing all the ticking and the thinking. I guess I can finally breathe and sing this song...


If I don't say this now
I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby, I'll look after you

There now, steady love,
so few come and don't go
Will you won't you,
be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control,
the city spins around
You're the only one who knows,
you slow it down


Oh, oh
Be my baby
OhhhhhhOh,
ohBe my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

You are so beautiful to me.


*Peyton and Lucas - are fictional characters from One Tree Hill.
**Love Hurts - Incubus, The Light Grenade
***Look after You - The Fray, How to Save a Life

Of Cradlesnatching, Golddigging and Fucking With Benefits

Weeks ago, I was blown away by a Friendster survey answered by one of my classmates. The question was, "What is your greatest achievement?" And she answered (I think without batting an eyelash), "Orgasm," followed by Hahaha. Oh...Okay. Good answer, it felt like coffee to my brain. After reading the survey, I was tempted to answer it. There was a question regarding one's stand on Friends With Benefits and here's what I've wrote:

Friends With Benefits? As in FWB - Fuck With Benefits.

My whole month of April has been plagued by relationship issues. I think that's the aftermath of turning 23. A number of questions have been raised. "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Why are you not dating?" "Are you even attracted to guys?" If I hear one more question regarding my civil status, I will scream. I don't know why people give a damn on other people's lives when they don't even know what to do with their own.

Maybe it's my generation's fault. Most people my age are getting married, hooking up, sleeping over, making babies, breaking up or *Brooke-ing themselves. And I don't know why the hell they expect me to be one of them.

I guess people who asked me the above questions were just concerned that if I do not act now, I will later find it hard to conceive. Yeah, I know that people my age are freakingly packed with libido and they don't need to remind me that. Oh yes, I'm straight and I'm attracted to McDreamy. I know what I want. Now go Brooke yourselves, and leave me in peace.

Just when I thought that the question and answer portion was over, they went on declaring that if the world is gonna end tomorrow, I'm gonna die a virgin. Virgins go to heaven right? I hope so, because I'm already sick of hell.

I'm blessed with two great friends, let's just call them Demi and Cameron. Yes, they are cradlesnatchers.

Help police, help. Cradlesnatchers, cradlesnatchers!

Oh, knock it off.

They say that if you can't get a guy your age, then go for the younger batch. They say that boys are sweeter than men. Does that sound matronly? Heck, with this salary like ours, we can't really afford to buy boytoys at the mall. Bleak. Anyway, the cradlesnatching approach did not end well for my two friends, so I better not dare to try it out.

My aunt was worried that I'm still unattached at the age of 23 and she said...

Aunt: Anak may irereto ako sa iyo, mabait, mayaman...
Me: ...at madali ba siyang mamamatay, ilang taon na siya?
Aunt: Fifty.

Whoa. What was that all about? I'm not after Golden Boys. I don't need a sugar daddy. I don't think a May-December love affair would work on me. And I'm not a golddigger.

I'm 23 years old, single and available, but not girlfriend material. I have my own weird world and guys don't find it sexy. Aside from worrying of not finding "the one," I am more scared of not getting out of this "relationship." You don't know how many times the old pimp have bruised my ego and you don't know how long I suffered from intellectual constipation. And most of the time, I always found myself singing to the tune of Radiohead's Creep.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here?I don't belong here.

Rewind to 2005, life's a bitch when you're a fresh grad and you've got nowhere else to go. I could sing Creep until my lungs give up, but I realized that no matter how many times I complain, it still doesn't change the fact that this is my job and I have to fuck it. That sounded like prostitution, erase the F word. I'm being paid to get this job done. I have no choice but to make peace with it because I signed something that resembles a marriage contract (in other words I made a pact with the devil to save myself from poverty). Get the job done like you mean it. Fuck it like it's hot. If you can't do the job out of love, lust or whatever L word you have in mind, just do it out of obligation. Or...you can always file for divorce, I mean resignation, if you can't take it anymore. Now, that's what I call fucking with benefits. Ooops, are there any benefits?

I'm not forcing you to believe what I say. I just hope that the day won't come when I'm gonna be the one who will tell you this, "I told you so!"

Was that Larry Birkhead?



*Brooke yourself - from Brooke Davis of One Tree Hill, it means self-stimulation.