Comet gazing, wishful thinking

It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again... And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.

- Hundred, One Tree Hill

Hey, I’m back from my three month hiatus. How was your Christmas? I hope you had a blast.
Well, mine is the same as last year and the year before that. Yeah, I know. My Christmas is getting so predictable.

I had finished the nine days of Misa de Gallo. (I guess that is what potential spinsters do to make their wishes come true wahehe, just kidding J ). Anyway, I really made an effort to attend every mass after my shift so I can feel the thing they call "Christmas Spirit." I’ve completed the Misa de Gallo last year and I can say that it was a great experience. I guess I’ll be doing this every year.

So what was my wish?

There were a lot and I can’t narrow it down to one. Lately, my mind has been cluttered with existential nonsense and I can’t figure out what to do with my life. It seems that quarter life crisis will not leave you until the mid-life crisis begin. Scary.

Despite of the trashy thoughts and authentic anxieties, I still have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have a better job, not really a fabulous one but still good. I can’t believe I’m saying this but answering emails has taught me how to be patient and kind. It seems that I’ve learned how to manage my temper by dealing with irate people.

My sister is alive and we’re in good terms now. It feels so good that she no longer looks at me like her arch rival in the house.

My stat is good and I’ve finally learned the secret of the game. There are ups and down but it’s just part of a day in the office. Oh well.

But there is something missing…

So I went to church every evening to find what I’m looking for. Maybe the things that I cherished when I was younger. Maybe the hopes and dreams that I haven’t fulfill. Maybe the great one that went away. Maybe the prayers that are waiting for answers.

There are many things that I want to do but I don’t know where to begin. A lot of times I wonder if I could still find the things that can make me happy. I want to go back to school but the thought of portfolios, recommendations and entrance exams scare the bitch in me. I want to go to culinary school or fashion school, but I think I only want to do this because I’m too addicted to Project Runway. I still want to improve my writing skills... and I don’t know why the hell I’m too lazy to work for the things I want.

Maybe the fountain of inspiration has run dry.

Someone said that their love was the best. I know because I have loved and been loved by someone great. And the days spent with him were the greatest.

But if destiny can’t give me the love that has always been great, I hope he will be kind enough to make me great someday. Well, I’m not really good in making bargains. But don’t you think that having one dream come true is better than having none at all?

I’m getting too sentimental. Stories like Dan and Serena are better left in Gossip Girl’s blog. It’s complicated to watch two different worlds collide. Dan has lost Serena but he still has that gig in The New Yorker. Win or lose, life should be fair.

Don’t worry, I’m okay. I’m just having this cathartic boobtube trip. Lucas and Peyton are having the time of their lives with their careers but their happiness is still not complete because they can’t have each other. Well, let’s wait and see what will happen to them in Vegas (Season 5).

I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part, letting go, you know? That's the part of grace that really sucks.

- Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace, One Tree Hill

So what happens now?

I don’t know. I really don’t know. What I have now is a bunch of plans that are bound to futility (than fertility) on the day I will turn 25 (or in the midnight when the clock strikes 2009). Procrastination vs. Procreation. Futility vs. Fertility. (This reminds me of the recruitment slogans I made for the recruitment team). The list of excuses go on. Study now, pay later :) .

What must I do? Any advice will be appreciated.