It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again... And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.
- Hundred, One Tree Hill
Hey, I’m back from my three month hiatus. How was your Christmas? I hope you had a blast.
Well, mine is the same as last year and the year before that. Yeah, I know. My Christmas is getting so predictable.
I had finished the nine days of Misa de Gallo. (I guess that is what potential spinsters do to make their wishes come true wahehe, just kidding J ). Anyway, I really made an effort to attend every mass after my shift so I can feel the thing they call "Christmas Spirit." I’ve completed the Misa de Gallo last year and I can say that it was a great experience. I guess I’ll be doing this every year.
So what was my wish?
There were a lot and I can’t narrow it down to one. Lately, my mind has been cluttered with existential nonsense and I can’t figure out what to do with my life. It seems that quarter life crisis will not leave you until the mid-life crisis begin. Scary.
Despite of the trashy thoughts and authentic anxieties, I still have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have a better job, not really a fabulous one but still good. I can’t believe I’m saying this but answering emails has taught me how to be patient and kind. It seems that I’ve learned how to manage my temper by dealing with irate people.
My sister is alive and we’re in good terms now. It feels so good that she no longer looks at me like her arch rival in the house.
My stat is good and I’ve finally learned the secret of the game. There are ups and down but it’s just part of a day in the office. Oh well.
But there is something missing…
So I went to church every evening to find what I’m looking for. Maybe the things that I cherished when I was younger. Maybe the hopes and dreams that I haven’t fulfill. Maybe the great one that went away. Maybe the prayers that are waiting for answers.
There are many things that I want to do but I don’t know where to begin. A lot of times I wonder if I could still find the things that can make me happy. I want to go back to school but the thought of portfolios, recommendations and entrance exams scare the bitch in me. I want to go to culinary school or fashion school, but I think I only want to do this because I’m too addicted to Project Runway. I still want to improve my writing skills... and I don’t know why the hell I’m too lazy to work for the things I want.
Maybe the fountain of inspiration has run dry.
Someone said that their love was the best. I know because I have loved and been loved by someone great. And the days spent with him were the greatest.
But if destiny can’t give me the love that has always been great, I hope he will be kind enough to make me great someday. Well, I’m not really good in making bargains. But don’t you think that having one dream come true is better than having none at all?
I’m getting too sentimental. Stories like Dan and Serena are better left in Gossip Girl’s blog. It’s complicated to watch two different worlds collide. Dan has lost Serena but he still has that gig in The New Yorker. Win or lose, life should be fair.
Don’t worry, I’m okay. I’m just having this cathartic boobtube trip. Lucas and Peyton are having the time of their lives with their careers but their happiness is still not complete because they can’t have each other. Well, let’s wait and see what will happen to them in Vegas (Season 5).
I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part, letting go, you know? That's the part of grace that really sucks.
- Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace, One Tree Hill
So what happens now?
I don’t know. I really don’t know. What I have now is a bunch of plans that are bound to futility (than fertility) on the day I will turn 25 (or in the midnight when the clock strikes 2009). Procrastination vs. Procreation. Futility vs. Fertility. (This reminds me of the recruitment slogans I made for the recruitment team). The list of excuses go on. Study now, pay later :) .
What must I do? Any advice will be appreciated.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Quater Life Crisis will never be Viva La Vida
The “It” girls of Manhattan define their jobs as extensions of themselves.
They can say that again.
I bet that definition only exist in their episode of E! True Hollywood Story.
Well, here’s mine:
I confess that I easily get frustrated when my efforts don’t pay off.
What the hell am I doing wrong?
I don’t know if I’m gonna get sick (SL?), or go on vacay (VL?) or permanently check myself into rehab (Resignation???) every time I see the rise and fall of my stats.
I swear that I really find some ways on how to improve my job, to the extent that I take the citrus faces of customer satisfaction as constructive blocks of criticism to my career growth.
Career growth?
How will I grow if I feel demoralize everyday?
As they say, what’s the point of pleasing everybody when you’ll end up pleasing nobody?
The Citrus Faces of Customer Satisfaction
CHERRY - Very Angry, very dumb and very stupid.
LEMON - Undecided, can’t afford to be extra nice.
LIME - Uber nice, appreciative, knows how to follow instructions.
My conscience says “your job is the extension of yourself, so don’t make a mockery out of it.”
Yeah right.
With all due fairness to my current job, this is so much better than my previous one. From time to time I receive some perks (depends on the corporate mood), I get to buy the things that I want, and most of all, I don’t need to deal with a boss from hell.
So where does this ranting take me?
I wish I could use this blogging gifts to increase customer satisfaction. You know it’s beginning to sound like that disco/techno (what’s the difference??) track from my brother’s iPod push me and then just touch me, ’till I can get my satisfaction.
***
On the lighter side of life, I can’t wait to see the latest season of Gossip Girl. I wonder what will happen to Dan and Serena? What will be the trend that Blair is going to set (Daisy Duck headbands for a change)? Will Chuck throw those signature scarves away for a keffiyeh.
Gossip Girl’s Lonely Boy is my favorite character in this much talked about series. Dan Humphrey is very much like me. I think our love lives can be summarize in these lines from a Ne-Yo song:
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
I’m thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl
james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didn’t have any
I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in
some other man’s car
She was my night time,
thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong,
but see I’m strong
Wont take me long for me to move on
Why am I listening to RnB? What happened to all that rock n’ roll?
Well, I don’t have much time to listen to angry, dark, noisy tracks lately. Nowadays, my rest days are just spent on sleeping all day, doing my laundry, “binge” and window shopping.” I’m stressed out and I need to relax.
No CHERRY FACE for this day pleassse!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I know it's kinda late but...happy birthday!
What happens when you turn 24? Ummh..let me see. You wake in the morning as if nothing happened the night before (whoa! it's not what you think). You turn on the radio and you hear Nine in the Afternoon. You come to work on a Sunday and your crush greeted you with a birthday song. Now that's what you call an almost perfect day, but wait till you read this...
...Your stats is not looking good, you've been in the bottom for almost two weeks, and if this is American Idol you will probably have a lot of chances to be voted off. Next, your two annoying colleagues are getting in your nerves for two different reasons. Lastly, you found out that your crush is a real player. Yes, all the assumptions you have in your head is true. He's a real pro. He plays on stage, in bed or in Sunken Garden. It's gone baby, gone! The love is gone! Oh, wait did he just sing Happy Birthday?
It's one hell of a rollercoaster birthday week. The rise and fall of emotions is making me throw-up. I thought the enigma of being 23 is over, but it seems that the Fates has their way of weaving the thread of bad luck and make my quarter-life crisis situation even worse. I guess when you grow older, life continues to give you different kinds of blows to prepare you for the next challenge ahead. No matter how cliche this may sound, I guess I need to do something for myself. I need a major life make-over.
At 24, I'm surrounded by frequent domestic bills and dramas, by emails of hard-to-please customers, by colleagues with overflowing libido, by deafening hardcore music, and by clouds of second-hand smoke.
NOW LET ME GO TO REHAB.
As I face an impending unemployement, a slight nicotine addiction, and a partial hearing loss, I'm telling myself that I'm gonna get through this and get my 30-day free trial of FWB - FCUK With Benefits. Hey! That's a CLOTHING LINE!
I guess people expect a lot from you after you graduation. It's been three years and I don't know if I still live up to the Cinderella chart we had in Paulthenics. The real world indeed sucks, that's all I can say.
Actually, I was thinking about going back to school. The corporate world is making me old and I guess it's good to go back to what used to be simple. The real world doesn't seem to appreciate me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe this is not for me. Maybe this is not the thing that I should be doing. I think I should take a short divorce from all of this so I could think about what I really want.
Before I end this piece, I just want to thank the people who greeted me on that day. Anne, Crizzy, Vera, Doris, Joy, Sae, Ron, Dah, Jem, Sir Maynard Tamayo, Rizza, Crystal, Gem, Tin, Mackoy, Lei, Maloi and Melvin. If I forgot to mention somebody, I'm sorry. This is just a sign that I'm getting old and this might be due to short-term memory loss. Oh wait...yes I almost forgot. To the one who sang me a birthday song, thank you. You almost made my day, it's just sad that you broke my heart the next day.
...Your stats is not looking good, you've been in the bottom for almost two weeks, and if this is American Idol you will probably have a lot of chances to be voted off. Next, your two annoying colleagues are getting in your nerves for two different reasons. Lastly, you found out that your crush is a real player. Yes, all the assumptions you have in your head is true. He's a real pro. He plays on stage, in bed or in Sunken Garden. It's gone baby, gone! The love is gone! Oh, wait did he just sing Happy Birthday?
It's one hell of a rollercoaster birthday week. The rise and fall of emotions is making me throw-up. I thought the enigma of being 23 is over, but it seems that the Fates has their way of weaving the thread of bad luck and make my quarter-life crisis situation even worse. I guess when you grow older, life continues to give you different kinds of blows to prepare you for the next challenge ahead. No matter how cliche this may sound, I guess I need to do something for myself. I need a major life make-over.
At 24, I'm surrounded by frequent domestic bills and dramas, by emails of hard-to-please customers, by colleagues with overflowing libido, by deafening hardcore music, and by clouds of second-hand smoke.
NOW LET ME GO TO REHAB.
As I face an impending unemployement, a slight nicotine addiction, and a partial hearing loss, I'm telling myself that I'm gonna get through this and get my 30-day free trial of FWB - FCUK With Benefits. Hey! That's a CLOTHING LINE!
I guess people expect a lot from you after you graduation. It's been three years and I don't know if I still live up to the Cinderella chart we had in Paulthenics. The real world indeed sucks, that's all I can say.
Actually, I was thinking about going back to school. The corporate world is making me old and I guess it's good to go back to what used to be simple. The real world doesn't seem to appreciate me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe this is not for me. Maybe this is not the thing that I should be doing. I think I should take a short divorce from all of this so I could think about what I really want.
Before I end this piece, I just want to thank the people who greeted me on that day. Anne, Crizzy, Vera, Doris, Joy, Sae, Ron, Dah, Jem, Sir Maynard Tamayo, Rizza, Crystal, Gem, Tin, Mackoy, Lei, Maloi and Melvin. If I forgot to mention somebody, I'm sorry. This is just a sign that I'm getting old and this might be due to short-term memory loss. Oh wait...yes I almost forgot. To the one who sang me a birthday song, thank you. You almost made my day, it's just sad that you broke my heart the next day.
The Inheritance of Loss
It all happened last Tuesday.
My tears fell like raindrops that day and I need to go home before it pours.\
Death. How do you deal with it? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - these are the five deadly stages of grief. It would be easier to mourn for one, but what if you’re dealing with two deaths at the same time, would that be enough to make you feel numb? Angel of Death, are you my guardian angel?
My grandfather died last Tuesday, after a month of battling with the sweetest disease called diabetes. I don’t want to remember how he died; I’d rather remember how he lived. Lolo was a sweet old man. He was like a father to me. He helped me become the person that I am today. My childhood wouldn’t have been fun, if Lolo was not around. I remember he would give me packs of marshmallows every time he comes home from his jogging gigs in CCP. Yeah, Lolo was such an advocate of healthy living. He always encourages us to exercise regularly, to stay away from vices and to moderately give-in to our sweet tooth cravings. Now that Lent is just around the corner and Lolo is no longer around, I could still feel his presence each time I see a video clip from The Ten Commandments. That was his favorite epic film. Anyway, Lolo was the one who taught us how to solemnly observe Holy Week. And the word solemnly, always comes with the words penitence and Bible film marathons.
The role of Lolo in my life strengthened during my struggling fresh grad days. He gave me all the support he could give so I could survive the corporate jungle. No matter how irrelevant his opinions were, he still shared his ideas to me it somehow gave me hope despite of the bleak workforce economy that we live in. You can just imagine the white lies I’ve told him when I resigned from my previous job. I just told him that I’m on a long vacation, because I know he will feel bad if I he found out that I quit my job without any real fallback.
SUNSET BLOG
I consider my present job as an answered prayer. It was the wish I wanted for Christmas Day. It was no ordinary gift because I have to prove myself worthy of this present. I have to go through a lot of things before I can finally say that “this is mine.” I felt sad when I heard the news. I thought it was Doomsday last Tuesday. It was hard to accept, especially when you do not know what will happen next. I guess we just have to make the most out of the remaining time that we're together.
Anyway, life goes on. This is the inheritance of my loss. I have to stay strong despite of all these deadly circumstances. I have to conquer death. I know that there’s always hope. I tend to be pessimistic a lot of times but I know this kind of thinking won’t help me get through life’s unwanted suspense. This is just another sad episode; there are still blank pages to be filled with happy endings.
My tears fell like raindrops that day and I need to go home before it pours.\
Death. How do you deal with it? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - these are the five deadly stages of grief. It would be easier to mourn for one, but what if you’re dealing with two deaths at the same time, would that be enough to make you feel numb? Angel of Death, are you my guardian angel?
My grandfather died last Tuesday, after a month of battling with the sweetest disease called diabetes. I don’t want to remember how he died; I’d rather remember how he lived. Lolo was a sweet old man. He was like a father to me. He helped me become the person that I am today. My childhood wouldn’t have been fun, if Lolo was not around. I remember he would give me packs of marshmallows every time he comes home from his jogging gigs in CCP. Yeah, Lolo was such an advocate of healthy living. He always encourages us to exercise regularly, to stay away from vices and to moderately give-in to our sweet tooth cravings. Now that Lent is just around the corner and Lolo is no longer around, I could still feel his presence each time I see a video clip from The Ten Commandments. That was his favorite epic film. Anyway, Lolo was the one who taught us how to solemnly observe Holy Week. And the word solemnly, always comes with the words penitence and Bible film marathons.
The role of Lolo in my life strengthened during my struggling fresh grad days. He gave me all the support he could give so I could survive the corporate jungle. No matter how irrelevant his opinions were, he still shared his ideas to me it somehow gave me hope despite of the bleak workforce economy that we live in. You can just imagine the white lies I’ve told him when I resigned from my previous job. I just told him that I’m on a long vacation, because I know he will feel bad if I he found out that I quit my job without any real fallback.
SUNSET BLOG
I consider my present job as an answered prayer. It was the wish I wanted for Christmas Day. It was no ordinary gift because I have to prove myself worthy of this present. I have to go through a lot of things before I can finally say that “this is mine.” I felt sad when I heard the news. I thought it was Doomsday last Tuesday. It was hard to accept, especially when you do not know what will happen next. I guess we just have to make the most out of the remaining time that we're together.
Anyway, life goes on. This is the inheritance of my loss. I have to stay strong despite of all these deadly circumstances. I have to conquer death. I know that there’s always hope. I tend to be pessimistic a lot of times but I know this kind of thinking won’t help me get through life’s unwanted suspense. This is just another sad episode; there are still blank pages to be filled with happy endings.
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